Dreary Doggerel

P***

Banish the use of the four-letter words

Whose meanings are never obscure.

The Angles and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,

Were vulgar, obscene and impure.

But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phrase

That never quite says what you mean;

You'd better be known for your hyprocrite ways

That as a vulgar, impure, or obscene

When nature is calling, plain speaking is out.

When ladies, God bless 'em, are milling about,

You may wee-wee, make water, or empty the glass

You can powder your nose; even "Johnnie" may pass

Shake the dew off the lily, see a man 'bout a dog,

Or when everyone's soused, it's "condensing the fog."

But be pleased to remember if you would know bliss

That only in shakespeare do characters ----.

F**T

When your dinners are hearty with onions and beans,

With garlic and claret and bacon and greens;

Your bowels get busy distilling a gas

That Nature insists be permitted to pass.

You are very polite, and try to exhale

Without noise or odor (you frequently fail);

Expecting a zephyr, you usually start,

For even a deaf man would call it a ----.

F**K

Though a lady repel your advance, she'll be kind

Just as long as you "intimate" what's on your mind

You may tell her you're hungry, you need to be swung,

You may ask her to see how your etchings are hung.

You may mention the ashes that need to be hauled,

Put the lid on her sauce-pan ("lay" isn't too bald);

But the moment you're forthright, get ready to duck:

The girl isn't born yet who'll stand for "Let's ----"

S***

You may speak of a "movement" or sit on a seat,

Have a passage, or stool - or simply excrete,

Or say to the others "I'm going out back"

And groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack.

You can go "lay a cable" or "do number two"

Or sit on the toidey and make a "do-do,"

But ladies and men who are socially fit

Under no provocation will go take a ----

T***

A woman has bosoms, a bust or a breast,

Those lily-white swellings that bulge 'neath her vest.

They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat;

in a moment of passion, ripe apples to eat.

you make speak of her nipples as small rings of fire

WIth hardly a question of raising her ire,

But by Rabelais' beard will she throw fits

If you speak of them roundly as good honest ----