From "The Lure of the Limerick"

Part I

Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

A fencing instructor named Fisk
In duels was terribly brisk.
So fast was his action
The Fitzgerald contraction
Foreshortened his foil to a disk.

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Part II

The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its suppression
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter.

There was a fat lady from Eye
Who felt she was likely to die;
But for fear that once dead,
She would not be well-fed,
She gulped down a pig, a cow, a sheep, two goats, twelve buns, a seven-layer cake, four cups of coffee, and a green apple pie.

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket
(The man and the girl with the bucket)
And he said to the man,
"You're welcome to Nan,"
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset
Where he still held the cash as an asset;
And Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing
Had he died in the spring,
But he didn't - he died in the fall.

Part III

There was a young farmer of Limerick.
Who started one day to trim a rick
The fates gave a frown,
The rick tumbled down,
And killed him - I don't know a grimmer trick.

Part IV

Learics

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared -
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!"

There was an Old Man who supposed
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats
Ate his coat and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

There was a fat lady of Clyde
Whose shoelaces once came untied;
She feared that to bed
Would display her rear end
So she cried and she cried and she cried.

There was an Old Man who said, "Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!"
When they said, "Is it small?"
He replied, "Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!"

Part V

Said a man to his spouse in East Sydenham,
"My best trousers! Now where have you hydenham?
It is perfectly true
They were not very new
But I foolishly left half a quidenham."

A poodle was charged by the law
With resembling Hall Caine. With his paw
Pressed close to his forehead,
He sobbed, "Yes, it's horrid,
But at least I'm not George Bernard Shaw!"

There was a young man of Moose Jaw
Who wanted to meet Bernard Shaw
When they questioned him, "Why?"
He made no reply,
But sharpened an axe and a saw.

Part VI

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Whose locks were consid'rably dyed.
The hue of her hair
Made everyone stare...
"She's piebald, she'll die bald!" they cried.

If it's management men you pursue
Don't hunt every beast in the zoo -
Just look for the signs
That say "Tigers and Lions."
It isn't how many... it's who.

My neighbor, the dirty Miss Drews,
Will stand on her doorstep and muse,
And tie up her tresses
While the dog makes its messes,
And I am wiping my shoes.

There once were some learned M.D.s
Who captured some germs of disease
And infected a train,
Which, without causing pain,
Allowed hundreds to catch it with ease.

I'd rather have fingers than toes;
I'd rather have ears than a nose;
And as for my hair,
I'm glad that it's there.
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny:
"A canner can can
Anything that he can
But canner can't can a can, can he?"

I sat next to the Duchess at tea;
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were truly phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!

Part VII

There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born;
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

There was an old man of Dundee
Who molested an ape in a tree:
The result was most horrid,
All arse and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.

To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"

Part VIII

There was a young lady of Riga
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger;
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

There was a young plumber of Leigh
Was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time;
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd!"
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.

Limericks

From charlesreid1

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